Lessons in Life

(Ripped from Aarons Jokes)

As Seen On Bumpers

* “Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”

* “Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”

* “All generalizations are false.”

* “As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.”

* “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.”

* “I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!”

* “Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.”

* “Montana — At least our cows are sane!”

* “Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”

* “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”

* “Friends don’t let friends drive naked.”

* “I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”

* “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.”

* “According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”

* “A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.”

* “Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!”

* “Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.”

* “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”

* “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.”

* “He who laughs last thinks slowest.”

* “Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”

* “Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”

* “Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.”

* “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

* “Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.”

* “Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”

* “We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”

* “Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”

* “Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.”

* “Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”

* “Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”

* “I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ”

* “Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas – Taking the dog. –Dorothy.”

* “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”

* “I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?”